Monthly Archives: July 2014

Rant, Uncategorized

Give Gifts, Not Presents

Before I go into the extreme and inane levels of anxiety I get when giving or receiving a present, there is something I have to explain to you. There is a difference between a gift and a present. A gift can be given without the giver being present. I shouldn’t have to explain the rest but I will. The giver has to be present to present the present for it to be a present. Isn’t it crazy how that works? Look at the homophones I used to explain it. The English language man, it is nuts!

With that being said, I love giving gifts. I don’t like giving presents. I love getting gifts. I don’t like getting presents. If you have read this blog then you are sure to know how awkward of a person I can be. There are only a few things in life that are more awkward than the anticipation when a present is about to be presented. The thoughts and emotions running through my body as the wrapping paper is removed is enough to send me into a panic attack.

When I am the presenter, in my head I build up the expectation that I purchased the perfect thing. The closer I get to presenting the present I begin to doubt my once confident assertion. I start ask myself a series of questions, what if they don’t like it? Will they come right out and tell me? Worse will I be able to read it on their face? Will they ever use or wear it? Sometimes I almost don’t even want to give it or just leave it on their door step and run away. This is why I love Amazon.com, I can order anything I want it, have it shipped directly to the recipient, and with my Prime membership I can do it very close to the date I want. Best of all I don’t have to wrap the gift (that’s an entry in itself) or be there when they open it. Instead I just impatiently wait for the text or call that they received it and not know if they are lying when they say they love it!

I am not a very excitable person. I rarely get excited about things until they happen. It sucks but that’s how I roll. When someone is excited to present me with a present, all those questions I think about as a presenter I turn on myself and hope I do not embarrass anyone. More often than not I genuinely like the present but I rarely ever match that level of excitement of the presenter. I’d be much more comfortable if I was given a gift. That way I would have time to process the gift and prepare a very eloquent thank you text message cause there is no chance in hell I am calling to thank you.

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Rambling

I Don’t Want to Talk to You but I Have To

Everyone has been in a situation where they have to hold multiple or daily conversations with someone they particularly don’t enjoy. Like you are at work (or class when I was a student) and there is this nice person who always wants to talk to you. They have nothing interesting to say and you couldn’t care less about anything that comes out of their mouth but you have to be polite. I used to dread these situations until I found a way to turn it into a game and make it fun.

If you really don’t like the person and only have to see them on occasion then I suggest you repeat the same story every time you talk to them. Find a way to sway any conversation to the same story and wait and see if they say anything to you. From experience most people don’t say anything at all and either think you are crazy or just know you are an asshole. When I worked at Big Cheese in college they hired this kid who was learning how to drive. He was a really nice kid, kind of dumb and he only made my job harder. So every day I would tell him about how I almost failed my driver’s test but in the end got my license. After a few days I would switch the story up just to see if he would say anything. He never said anything and eventually stopped talking to me.

Now if you do kind of like the person and have to see them just about every day then I suggest that you remember a few of the stories they tell you. Save them somewhere in your memory and be sure to key in on at least one detail. When the person starts to get annoying or you just want out of talking to them begin to tell them the story they told you. The trick is to start the story vague and watch as they start to process what you are saying and just before they realize you are being a jerk hit that key detail hard. If you are really good you can play it off at this point and continue the story vague again at first and then boom another key detail. Perfectly executed, this will always end the conversation and after time people will not believe a word you are saying or even better think everything you tell them is something they told you. This game is even fun to play with people you like. I do it all the time and trust me people love it.

Finally if you really hate the person and don’t want to talk to them pretend like you have to go to the bathroom. If you do this every time you talk to them they will either think you have a small bladder or that you are doing drugs. Either way they won’t talk to you; win-win and that’s how I roll.

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