Category Archives: Rant

Rant

Voicemails

I love voicemails. I love leaving them and I love receiving them. I don’t understand why people are so against them. There is nothing more awkward than talking to someone on the phone. Well actually there are things more awkward BUT talking on the phone is one of my least favorite things to do. There is just some kind of pressure that comes with talking on the phone; the phone is ringing for a reason. There are no visual cues to aide in conversation when talking on the phone which only leads to awkward silences and interruptions. Leaving a voicemail solves those problems and makes a phone call much more pleasant to make.

No one calls just to say hello, don’t believe them because there is always some ulterior motive when that phone rings. There are dozens of reasons why people call each other and not one of them is just to say hello. The phone rings because they want something from you. They want to tell you a story, they want to ask you a question, they want to hear a story, they have a favor to ask you or they are bored and want to pass the time, etc. When the phone rings and I see the name on the caller ID, I run scenarios through my head of why that person is calling me and not just sending a text. Now I grant you most of these scenarios are inane and I am crazy but that’s just how I roll.

Now people will tell you that with the advent of caller ID there is no reason to leave a voicemail; I call bullshit. Yea so what I know who called but it is more important to know what you WHY you called. Before I go on let me just say that called ID is probably the single most important invention of the 20th century. Ok maybe that is a bit of a stretch but I can’t imagine answering a phone without caller ID. I never answer the phone unless I know who is calling me; that is of course if I answer the phone. There is nothing worse when you see a missed call from a number that you don’t recognize and they don’t leave a voicemail. Really, that’s cool.

The only thing worse that small talk is small talk on the phone. The key to small talk is usually talking about the weather but that is nearly impossible on the phone and when it is possible talking about the weather is just plain stupid. Without the aid of seeing your face and judging your reactions I have nothing to build the conversation on. I also have no idea of when you are about to speak which then leads to both of us talking at the same time or the dreaded awkward silence. Dead air and constantly losing my train of thought from an interruption is not how I want to spend the precious little time I spend on the phone.

Frankly, Voicemails are more efficient than just a missed call and should be used more often. A voicemail leaves you ample time to state why you are calling which then removes all the anxiety of the missed call. I do not need to wonder why you called me and I can put those inane scenarios to bed. It also allows me to decide how important it is that I call you back. When I do call you back we can cut right to the chase instead of wasting our time on small talk and pleasantries.

So the next time I don’t answer the phone, save me the anxiety, leave me a voicemail and let me call you back. Don’t be surprised though if I just shoot a text, sorry but that’s how I roll.

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Rant

Please Don’t Say That…Again

I am back at it again with things you should never say to me when we are engaged in a conversation. The first is when someone tells me to listen. What the hell do you think I have been doing this whole time? I am listening to everything you are saying. Now I might not be actually hearing and paying attention to you but that is a different story. I am definitely listening to you. I am listening for those awkward silences, any key words that catch my attention, and waiting for the time to say yes or another affirmative response and attempt to change the conversation. I am always listening to you. Also when you tell me to listen you are implying that the rest of this conversation meant nothing and now it is time to pay attention. Don’t waste my time with boring stories just to tell me something good. Worst of all is when you are in conversation with someone and they are only in the conversation to ask you a favor. So they go on and on and try to gauge what mood you are in just to finally say listen, can you do this for me? Seriously? Just ask the god damn favor and don’t waste my time.

Similar to listen is “hear me out.” When someone asks me to hear them out, I know from the jump that the conversation isn’t going to end well. You have prematurely decided that what you are about to say is not something that I will agree with and want to ensure I do not immediately jump down your throat. Truth is though that by saying that you have gotten my guns up and I am already countering what you are going to say instead of hearing what you are trying to say. I love arguments and I love a good hash out session, I don’t need you to get me ready for that, I am always ready for it. I’d rather it happen organically then you deciding for me.

As I just mentioned I love to argue. Don’t get me wrong I am not talking about arguments where you scream and yell at each other. I am talking about playful arguments or those that let you get things off your chest and in the end no one hates each other. There is nothing more fun than trying to make someone see your point. With all that being said, don’t ever tell me to agree to disagree. What in the hell is the point of doing that? Like when someone says fine, you are consenting defeat. I don’t want to agree to disagree I want you to just agree with me or I want you to change my mind. What is the fun in agreeing to disagree? When you agree to disagree you are really just saying this is about to get ugly so let’s just drop it; which means we probably shouldn’t have talked about it in the first place.

So now that you have listened and heard me out please let’s just agree to disagree if you disagree with anything in this post.

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Rant, Uncategorized

Give Gifts, Not Presents

Before I go into the extreme and inane levels of anxiety I get when giving or receiving a present, there is something I have to explain to you. There is a difference between a gift and a present. A gift can be given without the giver being present. I shouldn’t have to explain the rest but I will. The giver has to be present to present the present for it to be a present. Isn’t it crazy how that works? Look at the homophones I used to explain it. The English language man, it is nuts!

With that being said, I love giving gifts. I don’t like giving presents. I love getting gifts. I don’t like getting presents. If you have read this blog then you are sure to know how awkward of a person I can be. There are only a few things in life that are more awkward than the anticipation when a present is about to be presented. The thoughts and emotions running through my body as the wrapping paper is removed is enough to send me into a panic attack.

When I am the presenter, in my head I build up the expectation that I purchased the perfect thing. The closer I get to presenting the present I begin to doubt my once confident assertion. I start ask myself a series of questions, what if they don’t like it? Will they come right out and tell me? Worse will I be able to read it on their face? Will they ever use or wear it? Sometimes I almost don’t even want to give it or just leave it on their door step and run away. This is why I love Amazon.com, I can order anything I want it, have it shipped directly to the recipient, and with my Prime membership I can do it very close to the date I want. Best of all I don’t have to wrap the gift (that’s an entry in itself) or be there when they open it. Instead I just impatiently wait for the text or call that they received it and not know if they are lying when they say they love it!

I am not a very excitable person. I rarely get excited about things until they happen. It sucks but that’s how I roll. When someone is excited to present me with a present, all those questions I think about as a presenter I turn on myself and hope I do not embarrass anyone. More often than not I genuinely like the present but I rarely ever match that level of excitement of the presenter. I’d be much more comfortable if I was given a gift. That way I would have time to process the gift and prepare a very eloquent thank you text message cause there is no chance in hell I am calling to thank you.

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Rant

Catfished in Person?

Disclaimer: This story is from last year but I had nowhere to post it back then.

So the other night I am at Downey’s and having one of the best nights there ever. There were three Conways, it wasn’t super crowded, and Tom was in a great mood; epic. Just as I was about to get my karaoke on and start my blackout tour I am approached by a rather attractive female. We drum up some casual conversation and it is clear from the jump that she wants to jump my bones. Being the gentleman that I am I offered to buy her a drink and was quite taken aback when she declined my offer. I hate small talk so I tell her to think of a song we can do on karaoke when she is ready.

Pat and I do our usual on the karaoke mic and when I head back to the bar she comes over again and tells me she decided on “Don’t Stop Believing.” I put the song in and we rock out, make out and I find out she is 22 and a nursing student. I look across the bar to see everyone staring at me because believe it or not I don’t pull many chicks. I think I probably had the biggest smile on my face for two reasons, one she was cute and two I thought I finally proved all those naysayers wrong who said I’d never pick up a girl at Downey’s. We exchanged numbers and she was going back to school up the mountains somewhere but would be back again to hang out with me of course.

Needless to say we texted most of the weekend and I guess maybe Sunday night I started to get some weird feelings about her. Like she mentioned how much homework she had, who has homework in college? She also talked about school as if she didn’t know what college was exactly like. Now I didn’t really remember exactly what she looked like and since she told me she played softball (and wasn’t a lesbian) I looked her college team up and found out she wasn’t on the website. Weird but maybe she was talking intramural sports. I still needed to see what she looked like so I did my best not to be creepy and asked for a photo. Now one of the pictures was of her at prom. What 22 year old sends a picture of them from Prom? But I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe it was a college formal or something. As this point my suspicion was very high that this girl was lying about her age and was definitely not in college.

Now I am not sure how many people out there are familiar with the TV Catfish on MTV but basically this guy tells this people that the person that have been dating EXCLUSIVELY online for the last so many years is lying. Honestly, with today’s technology and all the video chat services how the hell have you not had one, especially when you live in different states? But I digress. A friend of mine armed only with the girls name and hometown found her online and it was a clip from a high school newspaper about her playing softball (at least she wasn’t lying there). I prayed that the date on the newsletter would be from at least 4 years ago but no it was from the previous fall. Yup the girl was still in high school. Did I mention that my friend also found her facebook and her profile picture was her senior portrait? Yup I totally got catfished in person. I am not even sure if that is the right thing to call it but that’s what I am going with.

Anyway I confronted her about the lies and of course she denied and denied them and I told her I couldn’t speak to her anymore. Just like that my storybook romance with a girl I met at a bar was over. I guess all those naysayers were right.

UPDATE – I saw the girl again at Downey’s earlier this year. She didn’t approach me or anything and I didn’t talk to her but I couldn’t help but laugh when she walked up to the karaoke mic and sang “What’s my Age Again?” by Blink 182.

 

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Rant

Please Don’t Say That

The English language is a beautiful language and there are so many great ways to say things but there are just a few things that people say to me on an almost daily basis that piss me the fuck off.

Fine – If you use this word to describe anything then you might as well just be lying directly to my face. If something is fine then it isn’t good and it isn’t bad, it isn’t pleasing or it isn’t displeasing, it’s just what people say when there is a story to tell they don’t feel like telling or an argument they don’t feel like having. I am all about being real and honest so save your “fines” for someone else and talk to me when you want to spill or hash it out. Also don’t ever trust a girl who tells you she is fine.

It is what it is – Of course it is what it is. What else would it be? Also it is what it isn’t. This is a useless expression that conveys no meaning. It’s a mark of defeat; it’s a way of saying that you can’t change something. Everything can be changed if you want to put the effort into it.

That’s Funny or That’s Hilarious – If it was really funny why did fuck didn’t you just laugh? These expressions and ones like them are basically what a LOL is in a text message. I’d rather you not laugh at my joke than waste my time and say “that’s funny” in some weak attempt to save my ego.

Long story short – The story isn’t going to be short. If it is a long story you can’t make it short. Sure you can cut out the details but how much are you really going to cut out? Probably enough that will have me asking questions to really understand the story which will then make the story longer than it really needed to be.

There are definitely more things that bother me but happy hour is calling my name. I’ll save them for another post because that’s how I roll.

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Rant

The Dentist

Unlike most people in life I never minded going to the dentist. Maybe it was because I had a root canal at the age of 5, I got a free game of put-put out of it. Maybe it was because I had a tooth pulled when I was like 8 and they gave me nitrous and I got high and felt the chair melt and saw the Power Rangers on the wall fight. Maybe it was because I had braces when I was in 4th grade and asked for them to be black so it looked like my teeth were rotten. Maybe it was because the dentist only deals with your mouth, unlike the doctor who likes to wander. For whatever reason I liked the dentist and still don’t mind going to see him every six months.

I just recently went to the dentist and for the first time in a long time I didn’t like my experience. I didn’t have any crazy procedure done, I didn’t have to endure a huge needle in my gum, and I didn’t have to have my mouth open for a crazy amount of time. I don’t mind those things. Do you know why I didn’t like my experience? The dental hygienist talked to me while she was cleaning my teeth. Seriously? Do you expect me to carry on a conversation? Because at this point your hands are in my mouth, my gums are bleeding and my mouth is dry. I did my best just to muster a “mmhmm” or what I thought would resemblance an affirmative response and acknowledgement that yes I can hear you. Even if I don’t agree with what you are telling me, I can’t carry a conversation so that’s all you are getting. At one point I did in fact try to actually say something and I got in trouble for moving my jaw and head. Seriously? Don’t freaking talk to me then. It’s that simple.

I just want to lay there with my eyes closed and my mouth and listen to you tell me to floss more often than I do. Newsflash: no one flosses as much as they should. It’s a novelty. No one ever makes it a habit. I lied to her and said that I floss but not as often as I should. I can count on my hands the number of times I flossed in my life. I’m not going to start. Isn’t that why I come to you every 6 months? To have my teeth cleaned? I brush em and use mouth wash, sometimes. That’s all I am doing. She kicked my ass though cleaning my teeth. I’ve never had them cleaned that thoroughly. It almost made me want to floss.

I’ve just came to realization on why I’ve never minded going to the dentist; the lack of communication. I hate talking to people I don’t know. I hate small talk. How many times can you talk about the weather? I hate social situations. I haven’t paid for a hair cut in years. It’s not cause of the price; I just don’t want to talk to the person cutting my hair and I especially don’t want to talk to the person washing my hair. I love getting my hair washed by someone else but don’t talk to me while you are doing it. It is so awkward. I can’t hear you. The water is running right in my ear. The seat is uncomfortable. I can’t tell how loud I am talking. IF I am forced to get my hair cut and pay for it, let it go like this: get in, sit down, shut up, cut, roll out. I guess this behavior will also explain why I’ve only been to the doctor as an adult once in my life and the only reason I went was because I was scared I’d lose my left eye. I know I should go get a physical but what’s the point? In the past I justified it by saying I didn’t want to pay a co-pay but now with that new Obamacare everyone is talking about I hear that you get one free routine examination a year. I should test that theory but I am not and trust me it’s not because I am scared of what the doctor would tell me. It’s cause I already have anxiety thinking about things to talk to the doctor and his staff about.

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