Rant

Voicemails

I love voicemails. I love leaving them and I love receiving them. I don’t understand why people are so against them. There is nothing more awkward than talking to someone on the phone. Well actually there are things more awkward BUT talking on the phone is one of my least favorite things to do. There is just some kind of pressure that comes with talking on the phone; the phone is ringing for a reason. There are no visual cues to aide in conversation when talking on the phone which only leads to awkward silences and interruptions. Leaving a voicemail solves those problems and makes a phone call much more pleasant to make.

No one calls just to say hello, don’t believe them because there is always some ulterior motive when that phone rings. There are dozens of reasons why people call each other and not one of them is just to say hello. The phone rings because they want something from you. They want to tell you a story, they want to ask you a question, they want to hear a story, they have a favor to ask you or they are bored and want to pass the time, etc. When the phone rings and I see the name on the caller ID, I run scenarios through my head of why that person is calling me and not just sending a text. Now I grant you most of these scenarios are inane and I am crazy but that’s just how I roll.

Now people will tell you that with the advent of caller ID there is no reason to leave a voicemail; I call bullshit. Yea so what I know who called but it is more important to know what you WHY you called. Before I go on let me just say that called ID is probably the single most important invention of the 20th century. Ok maybe that is a bit of a stretch but I can’t imagine answering a phone without caller ID. I never answer the phone unless I know who is calling me; that is of course if I answer the phone. There is nothing worse when you see a missed call from a number that you don’t recognize and they don’t leave a voicemail. Really, that’s cool.

The only thing worse that small talk is small talk on the phone. The key to small talk is usually talking about the weather but that is nearly impossible on the phone and when it is possible talking about the weather is just plain stupid. Without the aid of seeing your face and judging your reactions I have nothing to build the conversation on. I also have no idea of when you are about to speak which then leads to both of us talking at the same time or the dreaded awkward silence. Dead air and constantly losing my train of thought from an interruption is not how I want to spend the precious little time I spend on the phone.

Frankly, Voicemails are more efficient than just a missed call and should be used more often. A voicemail leaves you ample time to state why you are calling which then removes all the anxiety of the missed call. I do not need to wonder why you called me and I can put those inane scenarios to bed. It also allows me to decide how important it is that I call you back. When I do call you back we can cut right to the chase instead of wasting our time on small talk and pleasantries.

So the next time I don’t answer the phone, save me the anxiety, leave me a voicemail and let me call you back. Don’t be surprised though if I just shoot a text, sorry but that’s how I roll.

Standard
Rant, Uncategorized

Give Gifts, Not Presents

Before I go into the extreme and inane levels of anxiety I get when giving or receiving a present, there is something I have to explain to you. There is a difference between a gift and a present. A gift can be given without the giver being present. I shouldn’t have to explain the rest but I will. The giver has to be present to present the present for it to be a present. Isn’t it crazy how that works? Look at the homophones I used to explain it. The English language man, it is nuts!

With that being said, I love giving gifts. I don’t like giving presents. I love getting gifts. I don’t like getting presents. If you have read this blog then you are sure to know how awkward of a person I can be. There are only a few things in life that are more awkward than the anticipation when a present is about to be presented. The thoughts and emotions running through my body as the wrapping paper is removed is enough to send me into a panic attack.

When I am the presenter, in my head I build up the expectation that I purchased the perfect thing. The closer I get to presenting the present I begin to doubt my once confident assertion. I start ask myself a series of questions, what if they don’t like it? Will they come right out and tell me? Worse will I be able to read it on their face? Will they ever use or wear it? Sometimes I almost don’t even want to give it or just leave it on their door step and run away. This is why I love Amazon.com, I can order anything I want it, have it shipped directly to the recipient, and with my Prime membership I can do it very close to the date I want. Best of all I don’t have to wrap the gift (that’s an entry in itself) or be there when they open it. Instead I just impatiently wait for the text or call that they received it and not know if they are lying when they say they love it!

I am not a very excitable person. I rarely get excited about things until they happen. It sucks but that’s how I roll. When someone is excited to present me with a present, all those questions I think about as a presenter I turn on myself and hope I do not embarrass anyone. More often than not I genuinely like the present but I rarely ever match that level of excitement of the presenter. I’d be much more comfortable if I was given a gift. That way I would have time to process the gift and prepare a very eloquent thank you text message cause there is no chance in hell I am calling to thank you.

Standard