Tag Archives: awkward

#TBT, Rambling, Xanga

#TBT – Aprih 24th, 2011 – Stab at Stream of Consciousness

I don’t have Instagram and I don’t take pictures but I do have 163 (no lie) entries from my old Xanga account. Not all of them are from my proudest moments but I figured I’d share some of the ones I enjoyed writing and reading. The first one today is from April 24th 2011. I have been obsessed with writing a stream of consciousness novel for sometime and this was one of my attempts at writing like that…

There are now almost 7 billion people living in this world. Seriously? Do you know how many people that is? I don’t. I can’t even imagine knowing over 100 people but seriously think about it. Everyone you see during your day has a back story, some story to tell. How can it be real? I know it is but it is mind boggling to think about. To make matters worse it was actually proven that just about anyone in the world can be connected to anyone else through 6 people, like that game 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon but with real life shit. ABC or some outfit like that, I love when people use outfit like that and not like something you wear, did a study and connected a couple of random people through 6 people or less. Seriously? Shit people write movies and add extras that don’t get names but you mean to tell me that everyone I see everyday and even the people I don’t living in 3rd world countries have back stories? I mean no one is probably as interesting as me but I bet some are like that old dude form thos Dos Equis commercials, man do I envy him. I love those commercials, much more than I love the beer, I remember the first time I had the beer it was up at DSU for Cinco de Mayo, Jake had purchased the beer and I thought it was the best beer ever, way better than that shit Sol other people were drinking. I thought it was so good I made Easy Mac with it. Then I chugged a bottle of Tequlia, hooked up with some girl, threw up and then passed out on the porch. Woke up the next day and had no idea where I was but I wasn’t the biggest ass hole that night. Since that night though I have pretty much retained that ass hold drunk title, am I proud of it, I mean I guess a part of me is but I guess I have to grow up eventually, ugh. In other news I learned that I should really stop planning things because I am much better on the fly. What I mean is that I like the plan things out in my head and when they don’t go as planned I get flustered and make thins awkward. Really I should just let things roll and go along with things because I am less awkward, I know hard to believe, but it works like 1 out of 6 times. For instance I was at the Olde State Tavern out in Media last week, I am almost like a regular there, weird I know. I just found out that my boy Phillip goes there, he’s the man, I need to party with him. Anyway so I was there and once again it was awkward at some point. The week before when I was there, there was this db and his db son drinking a db drink, half bucca and half jager, disgusting. Did you know that Cee Lo Green’s real name is Thomas DeCarlo Callaway, I mean we could be related right we both got soul and dress like Elton John. Man I should have been born in the 70s. Great music. White pants. Long hair. Depressed. So anyway back to the olde state, I was there with my friend Jacqueline and her friend Emily, I think she spells it some other way but whatever and there was this weirdo there. So of course they were talking about him because that’s how they roll. Well the dude apparently starts glaring at our table. I had my back to him and I was like shit I really don’t want trouble but I get one look at him and I say well he looks medicated tonight so that’s good he wont be dangerous just awkward. Well he glares at us again and finally comes over to the table and is like stuttering and saying um a lot and taking forever to get words out and finally asks how is it possible that they are two beautiful girls at this table and only one guy. So on the fly, see I tied it all together, I respond with well buddy I am going to let you in on a little secret, and you can’t tell anyone but we are polygamists, they are both my wives. Well the look on his face was priceless, he bought every word of it and totally believed it, congratulated me and left us alone all night. At the end of the night he actually came over and told me how lucky I was. The weirder part is though that we actually thought the people next to us were plygs. There was one guy macking it with two chicks, so either he was a divine priesthood holder with sister wives or just some scum bag banging his girlfriend’s friend. Wait, what’s the difference? I immediately regret saying that cause Bill Hendrickson, spoiler alert, rest in peace, is my man. I am a bit disappointed with the NHL playoff commercials this season. They were so epic last year but this year, not so much. Hopefully they will get better. I also hate how everyone is trying to copy off of the Dos Equis dude in their commercials nowadays. I mean I know imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but do it right. Do you guys like this stream of consciousness entry? I think I might write a novel like that. See what happens though. I love HBO and just about everything they do. I know they fucked up by picking John from Cincinnati over Mad Men but I mean you can’t be perfect unless of course you are the most interesting man in world. I mean but The Wire, The Sopranos, Big Love, True Blood, Temple Grandin, You Don’t Know Jack and now their latest, Cinéma Vérité that sees James Gandolfini return to HBO as a documentary film maker looking to film a true American Family. It is the true story of the first reality TV show that aired on PBS in the 70s. The movie centers around the making of the film and how James Gandolfini’s character influences what happens in the house and how the actual camera crew tries to prevent the family from breaking apart. It was another gem from HBO and I want to now actually see the show from the 70s but apparently you can’t find it. Really Netflix? Letting me down again. I love all this talk of the instant streaming but really every movie I want to watch I have to get the DVD and really that is just too much work. I really should start writing more I mean it gives me an outlet to tell stories that no one wants to hear and it beats having a conversation with yourself. Did you see that new show on FX with that hobbit that looks like Nate Babe? FX is saying it’s a new original comedy but actually it’s an import from Australia I think. Imported form Detroit, the Chrysler 200, might be my new car. Anyway so this new show looks interesting. The main character is about to commit suicide but before he can go through with it his new neighbor shows up and asks if he can watch her dog. Well he sees a guy in the dog suit but everyone else in the world sees a real dog. Kind of like that movie with Mel Gibson and the beaver puppet, no joke that movie was actually made, which gives me hope that my movie with Todd and Nate to a lesser extent can be made. So anyway this dog, a guy in a dog suit, becomes his best friend. Looks interesting at least. I wish sometimes Lucy could talk, that would be ballin. I’ve been home alone with her the past two days. It is very refreshing. I haven’t been home alone since my mom lost her job and I probably never will be again with my Aunt living with us but I enjoyed it so much last night that I stayed in and was sober, weird right? I was thinking though I needed a night to relax and to wake up the next morning without a hangover but don’t worry I am drinking tonight as I am writing this. I love the NHL playoffs I literally could not breathe after the Flyers scored today, thankfully they won and I don’t have to end this entry with I’m out like the Flyers, that would be depressing. I am doing my part and not shaving, nothing new for me really but I am getting a neck beard or a neard as made famous by Koy Detmer, I just realized I am not adding hyperlinks to this entry, deal with it, that is of course if you are still reading this. I am almost at two pages in a Word document. I think I should stop but I might start wring a novel like this.

I’m out like Bill Hendrickson. (spoiler alert)

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Rant

Voicemails

I love voicemails. I love leaving them and I love receiving them. I don’t understand why people are so against them. There is nothing more awkward than talking to someone on the phone. Well actually there are things more awkward BUT talking on the phone is one of my least favorite things to do. There is just some kind of pressure that comes with talking on the phone; the phone is ringing for a reason. There are no visual cues to aide in conversation when talking on the phone which only leads to awkward silences and interruptions. Leaving a voicemail solves those problems and makes a phone call much more pleasant to make.

No one calls just to say hello, don’t believe them because there is always some ulterior motive when that phone rings. There are dozens of reasons why people call each other and not one of them is just to say hello. The phone rings because they want something from you. They want to tell you a story, they want to ask you a question, they want to hear a story, they have a favor to ask you or they are bored and want to pass the time, etc. When the phone rings and I see the name on the caller ID, I run scenarios through my head of why that person is calling me and not just sending a text. Now I grant you most of these scenarios are inane and I am crazy but that’s just how I roll.

Now people will tell you that with the advent of caller ID there is no reason to leave a voicemail; I call bullshit. Yea so what I know who called but it is more important to know what you WHY you called. Before I go on let me just say that called ID is probably the single most important invention of the 20th century. Ok maybe that is a bit of a stretch but I can’t imagine answering a phone without caller ID. I never answer the phone unless I know who is calling me; that is of course if I answer the phone. There is nothing worse when you see a missed call from a number that you don’t recognize and they don’t leave a voicemail. Really, that’s cool.

The only thing worse that small talk is small talk on the phone. The key to small talk is usually talking about the weather but that is nearly impossible on the phone and when it is possible talking about the weather is just plain stupid. Without the aid of seeing your face and judging your reactions I have nothing to build the conversation on. I also have no idea of when you are about to speak which then leads to both of us talking at the same time or the dreaded awkward silence. Dead air and constantly losing my train of thought from an interruption is not how I want to spend the precious little time I spend on the phone.

Frankly, Voicemails are more efficient than just a missed call and should be used more often. A voicemail leaves you ample time to state why you are calling which then removes all the anxiety of the missed call. I do not need to wonder why you called me and I can put those inane scenarios to bed. It also allows me to decide how important it is that I call you back. When I do call you back we can cut right to the chase instead of wasting our time on small talk and pleasantries.

So the next time I don’t answer the phone, save me the anxiety, leave me a voicemail and let me call you back. Don’t be surprised though if I just shoot a text, sorry but that’s how I roll.

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Rant, Uncategorized

Give Gifts, Not Presents

Before I go into the extreme and inane levels of anxiety I get when giving or receiving a present, there is something I have to explain to you. There is a difference between a gift and a present. A gift can be given without the giver being present. I shouldn’t have to explain the rest but I will. The giver has to be present to present the present for it to be a present. Isn’t it crazy how that works? Look at the homophones I used to explain it. The English language man, it is nuts!

With that being said, I love giving gifts. I don’t like giving presents. I love getting gifts. I don’t like getting presents. If you have read this blog then you are sure to know how awkward of a person I can be. There are only a few things in life that are more awkward than the anticipation when a present is about to be presented. The thoughts and emotions running through my body as the wrapping paper is removed is enough to send me into a panic attack.

When I am the presenter, in my head I build up the expectation that I purchased the perfect thing. The closer I get to presenting the present I begin to doubt my once confident assertion. I start ask myself a series of questions, what if they don’t like it? Will they come right out and tell me? Worse will I be able to read it on their face? Will they ever use or wear it? Sometimes I almost don’t even want to give it or just leave it on their door step and run away. This is why I love Amazon.com, I can order anything I want it, have it shipped directly to the recipient, and with my Prime membership I can do it very close to the date I want. Best of all I don’t have to wrap the gift (that’s an entry in itself) or be there when they open it. Instead I just impatiently wait for the text or call that they received it and not know if they are lying when they say they love it!

I am not a very excitable person. I rarely get excited about things until they happen. It sucks but that’s how I roll. When someone is excited to present me with a present, all those questions I think about as a presenter I turn on myself and hope I do not embarrass anyone. More often than not I genuinely like the present but I rarely ever match that level of excitement of the presenter. I’d be much more comfortable if I was given a gift. That way I would have time to process the gift and prepare a very eloquent thank you text message cause there is no chance in hell I am calling to thank you.

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Rambling

I Don’t Want to Talk to You but I Have To

Everyone has been in a situation where they have to hold multiple or daily conversations with someone they particularly don’t enjoy. Like you are at work (or class when I was a student) and there is this nice person who always wants to talk to you. They have nothing interesting to say and you couldn’t care less about anything that comes out of their mouth but you have to be polite. I used to dread these situations until I found a way to turn it into a game and make it fun.

If you really don’t like the person and only have to see them on occasion then I suggest you repeat the same story every time you talk to them. Find a way to sway any conversation to the same story and wait and see if they say anything to you. From experience most people don’t say anything at all and either think you are crazy or just know you are an asshole. When I worked at Big Cheese in college they hired this kid who was learning how to drive. He was a really nice kid, kind of dumb and he only made my job harder. So every day I would tell him about how I almost failed my driver’s test but in the end got my license. After a few days I would switch the story up just to see if he would say anything. He never said anything and eventually stopped talking to me.

Now if you do kind of like the person and have to see them just about every day then I suggest that you remember a few of the stories they tell you. Save them somewhere in your memory and be sure to key in on at least one detail. When the person starts to get annoying or you just want out of talking to them begin to tell them the story they told you. The trick is to start the story vague and watch as they start to process what you are saying and just before they realize you are being a jerk hit that key detail hard. If you are really good you can play it off at this point and continue the story vague again at first and then boom another key detail. Perfectly executed, this will always end the conversation and after time people will not believe a word you are saying or even better think everything you tell them is something they told you. This game is even fun to play with people you like. I do it all the time and trust me people love it.

Finally if you really hate the person and don’t want to talk to them pretend like you have to go to the bathroom. If you do this every time you talk to them they will either think you have a small bladder or that you are doing drugs. Either way they won’t talk to you; win-win and that’s how I roll.

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Rant

The Dentist

Unlike most people in life I never minded going to the dentist. Maybe it was because I had a root canal at the age of 5, I got a free game of put-put out of it. Maybe it was because I had a tooth pulled when I was like 8 and they gave me nitrous and I got high and felt the chair melt and saw the Power Rangers on the wall fight. Maybe it was because I had braces when I was in 4th grade and asked for them to be black so it looked like my teeth were rotten. Maybe it was because the dentist only deals with your mouth, unlike the doctor who likes to wander. For whatever reason I liked the dentist and still don’t mind going to see him every six months.

I just recently went to the dentist and for the first time in a long time I didn’t like my experience. I didn’t have any crazy procedure done, I didn’t have to endure a huge needle in my gum, and I didn’t have to have my mouth open for a crazy amount of time. I don’t mind those things. Do you know why I didn’t like my experience? The dental hygienist talked to me while she was cleaning my teeth. Seriously? Do you expect me to carry on a conversation? Because at this point your hands are in my mouth, my gums are bleeding and my mouth is dry. I did my best just to muster a “mmhmm” or what I thought would resemblance an affirmative response and acknowledgement that yes I can hear you. Even if I don’t agree with what you are telling me, I can’t carry a conversation so that’s all you are getting. At one point I did in fact try to actually say something and I got in trouble for moving my jaw and head. Seriously? Don’t freaking talk to me then. It’s that simple.

I just want to lay there with my eyes closed and my mouth and listen to you tell me to floss more often than I do. Newsflash: no one flosses as much as they should. It’s a novelty. No one ever makes it a habit. I lied to her and said that I floss but not as often as I should. I can count on my hands the number of times I flossed in my life. I’m not going to start. Isn’t that why I come to you every 6 months? To have my teeth cleaned? I brush em and use mouth wash, sometimes. That’s all I am doing. She kicked my ass though cleaning my teeth. I’ve never had them cleaned that thoroughly. It almost made me want to floss.

I’ve just came to realization on why I’ve never minded going to the dentist; the lack of communication. I hate talking to people I don’t know. I hate small talk. How many times can you talk about the weather? I hate social situations. I haven’t paid for a hair cut in years. It’s not cause of the price; I just don’t want to talk to the person cutting my hair and I especially don’t want to talk to the person washing my hair. I love getting my hair washed by someone else but don’t talk to me while you are doing it. It is so awkward. I can’t hear you. The water is running right in my ear. The seat is uncomfortable. I can’t tell how loud I am talking. IF I am forced to get my hair cut and pay for it, let it go like this: get in, sit down, shut up, cut, roll out. I guess this behavior will also explain why I’ve only been to the doctor as an adult once in my life and the only reason I went was because I was scared I’d lose my left eye. I know I should go get a physical but what’s the point? In the past I justified it by saying I didn’t want to pay a co-pay but now with that new Obamacare everyone is talking about I hear that you get one free routine examination a year. I should test that theory but I am not and trust me it’s not because I am scared of what the doctor would tell me. It’s cause I already have anxiety thinking about things to talk to the doctor and his staff about.

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