Rant

Voicemails

I love voicemails. I love leaving them and I love receiving them. I don’t understand why people are so against them. There is nothing more awkward than talking to someone on the phone. Well actually there are things more awkward BUT talking on the phone is one of my least favorite things to do. There is just some kind of pressure that comes with talking on the phone; the phone is ringing for a reason. There are no visual cues to aide in conversation when talking on the phone which only leads to awkward silences and interruptions. Leaving a voicemail solves those problems and makes a phone call much more pleasant to make.

No one calls just to say hello, don’t believe them because there is always some ulterior motive when that phone rings. There are dozens of reasons why people call each other and not one of them is just to say hello. The phone rings because they want something from you. They want to tell you a story, they want to ask you a question, they want to hear a story, they have a favor to ask you or they are bored and want to pass the time, etc. When the phone rings and I see the name on the caller ID, I run scenarios through my head of why that person is calling me and not just sending a text. Now I grant you most of these scenarios are inane and I am crazy but that’s just how I roll.

Now people will tell you that with the advent of caller ID there is no reason to leave a voicemail; I call bullshit. Yea so what I know who called but it is more important to know what you WHY you called. Before I go on let me just say that called ID is probably the single most important invention of the 20th century. Ok maybe that is a bit of a stretch but I can’t imagine answering a phone without caller ID. I never answer the phone unless I know who is calling me; that is of course if I answer the phone. There is nothing worse when you see a missed call from a number that you don’t recognize and they don’t leave a voicemail. Really, that’s cool.

The only thing worse that small talk is small talk on the phone. The key to small talk is usually talking about the weather but that is nearly impossible on the phone and when it is possible talking about the weather is just plain stupid. Without the aid of seeing your face and judging your reactions I have nothing to build the conversation on. I also have no idea of when you are about to speak which then leads to both of us talking at the same time or the dreaded awkward silence. Dead air and constantly losing my train of thought from an interruption is not how I want to spend the precious little time I spend on the phone.

Frankly, Voicemails are more efficient than just a missed call and should be used more often. A voicemail leaves you ample time to state why you are calling which then removes all the anxiety of the missed call. I do not need to wonder why you called me and I can put those inane scenarios to bed. It also allows me to decide how important it is that I call you back. When I do call you back we can cut right to the chase instead of wasting our time on small talk and pleasantries.

So the next time I don’t answer the phone, save me the anxiety, leave me a voicemail and let me call you back. Don’t be surprised though if I just shoot a text, sorry but that’s how I roll.

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Rant

Please Don’t Say That…Again

I am back at it again with things you should never say to me when we are engaged in a conversation. The first is when someone tells me to listen. What the hell do you think I have been doing this whole time? I am listening to everything you are saying. Now I might not be actually hearing and paying attention to you but that is a different story. I am definitely listening to you. I am listening for those awkward silences, any key words that catch my attention, and waiting for the time to say yes or another affirmative response and attempt to change the conversation. I am always listening to you. Also when you tell me to listen you are implying that the rest of this conversation meant nothing and now it is time to pay attention. Don’t waste my time with boring stories just to tell me something good. Worst of all is when you are in conversation with someone and they are only in the conversation to ask you a favor. So they go on and on and try to gauge what mood you are in just to finally say listen, can you do this for me? Seriously? Just ask the god damn favor and don’t waste my time.

Similar to listen is “hear me out.” When someone asks me to hear them out, I know from the jump that the conversation isn’t going to end well. You have prematurely decided that what you are about to say is not something that I will agree with and want to ensure I do not immediately jump down your throat. Truth is though that by saying that you have gotten my guns up and I am already countering what you are going to say instead of hearing what you are trying to say. I love arguments and I love a good hash out session, I don’t need you to get me ready for that, I am always ready for it. I’d rather it happen organically then you deciding for me.

As I just mentioned I love to argue. Don’t get me wrong I am not talking about arguments where you scream and yell at each other. I am talking about playful arguments or those that let you get things off your chest and in the end no one hates each other. There is nothing more fun than trying to make someone see your point. With all that being said, don’t ever tell me to agree to disagree. What in the hell is the point of doing that? Like when someone says fine, you are consenting defeat. I don’t want to agree to disagree I want you to just agree with me or I want you to change my mind. What is the fun in agreeing to disagree? When you agree to disagree you are really just saying this is about to get ugly so let’s just drop it; which means we probably shouldn’t have talked about it in the first place.

So now that you have listened and heard me out please let’s just agree to disagree if you disagree with anything in this post.

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Rant

The Dentist

Unlike most people in life I never minded going to the dentist. Maybe it was because I had a root canal at the age of 5, I got a free game of put-put out of it. Maybe it was because I had a tooth pulled when I was like 8 and they gave me nitrous and I got high and felt the chair melt and saw the Power Rangers on the wall fight. Maybe it was because I had braces when I was in 4th grade and asked for them to be black so it looked like my teeth were rotten. Maybe it was because the dentist only deals with your mouth, unlike the doctor who likes to wander. For whatever reason I liked the dentist and still don’t mind going to see him every six months.

I just recently went to the dentist and for the first time in a long time I didn’t like my experience. I didn’t have any crazy procedure done, I didn’t have to endure a huge needle in my gum, and I didn’t have to have my mouth open for a crazy amount of time. I don’t mind those things. Do you know why I didn’t like my experience? The dental hygienist talked to me while she was cleaning my teeth. Seriously? Do you expect me to carry on a conversation? Because at this point your hands are in my mouth, my gums are bleeding and my mouth is dry. I did my best just to muster a “mmhmm” or what I thought would resemblance an affirmative response and acknowledgement that yes I can hear you. Even if I don’t agree with what you are telling me, I can’t carry a conversation so that’s all you are getting. At one point I did in fact try to actually say something and I got in trouble for moving my jaw and head. Seriously? Don’t freaking talk to me then. It’s that simple.

I just want to lay there with my eyes closed and my mouth and listen to you tell me to floss more often than I do. Newsflash: no one flosses as much as they should. It’s a novelty. No one ever makes it a habit. I lied to her and said that I floss but not as often as I should. I can count on my hands the number of times I flossed in my life. I’m not going to start. Isn’t that why I come to you every 6 months? To have my teeth cleaned? I brush em and use mouth wash, sometimes. That’s all I am doing. She kicked my ass though cleaning my teeth. I’ve never had them cleaned that thoroughly. It almost made me want to floss.

I’ve just came to realization on why I’ve never minded going to the dentist; the lack of communication. I hate talking to people I don’t know. I hate small talk. How many times can you talk about the weather? I hate social situations. I haven’t paid for a hair cut in years. It’s not cause of the price; I just don’t want to talk to the person cutting my hair and I especially don’t want to talk to the person washing my hair. I love getting my hair washed by someone else but don’t talk to me while you are doing it. It is so awkward. I can’t hear you. The water is running right in my ear. The seat is uncomfortable. I can’t tell how loud I am talking. IF I am forced to get my hair cut and pay for it, let it go like this: get in, sit down, shut up, cut, roll out. I guess this behavior will also explain why I’ve only been to the doctor as an adult once in my life and the only reason I went was because I was scared I’d lose my left eye. I know I should go get a physical but what’s the point? In the past I justified it by saying I didn’t want to pay a co-pay but now with that new Obamacare everyone is talking about I hear that you get one free routine examination a year. I should test that theory but I am not and trust me it’s not because I am scared of what the doctor would tell me. It’s cause I already have anxiety thinking about things to talk to the doctor and his staff about.

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